Thursday, February 28, 2008

Dying for some organization!

so I haven't posted forever and a day it seems like. When I check people's blogs and such, I get so bummed out when there is nothing new. I do the same thing, although there are only a few people that read my blogs.

We are on our way back up to the lake tonight, yet again time to nomad our way out of someone else's house and into another one. At least this time it will be our stuff, but we will be back to the good ol' days of 5 am wake up to be in town by 6:40. BLAH! I've been packing for at least two days now, and I'm not done. I have to load everything in the car, and then we will have to unload it tonight after a half hour trip to the lake. What is this? I feel like some sort of weird slave to the junk we cart around with us all the time. There is nothing that makes me more angry than disorganization. Sometimes it hard to think that organization and creativity go hand in hand, but they really do. I can't be creative with anything unless I am organized in some small way. I've gotten to the point where throwing things out the window and leaving them in the yard sounds good. I just need organization, and moving back and forth all the time doesn't allow that:). One day Josh and I will have a place of our own for more than a few months. Just wait, it will be spectacular! I can't wait to create in it, and organize it. I live to do things like that. Sad huh?

I went back to finish the photoshoot I started last weekend. Baby Bentley hates me! She is so beautiful, though. I feel good, I think I got some good shots! Not as many as I would have liked, but better than the last baby shoot I did. It's nice to feel like I am improving. FINALLY. It's hard having that personality that I feel the need to have everything be right the first time. It needs to be absolutely perfect. I hold myself to these standards, but I don't really hold them for others. I know I'm too hard on myself, but I've been this way forever, I don't think it will ever change.

Well, I'm off to load up the car. I have just an hour before work. I feel guilty enjoying myself, writing. I hope you have a blessed thursday. Friday's almost here! Hallelujah!


Friday, February 22, 2008

Because They Have To...

Josh left this morning for Oregon and I got all teary. Pathetic, I know, he will only be gone for one, maybe two days tops. When did I become so dependent on someone else? Have I lost who I am in a bad way, or having someone that means this much to me a good thing? Maybe it's a little bit of both.

Oh how quickly we (as army girlfriends,fiance's, and wives) forget how we felt when our men were gone before they were out of the army. Josh is out of the army now, I thank God for that everyday, but his time in the army shaped him into the person that he is today, and I love him more because of it. When Josh and I first got together, and started dating (if you could talking over yahoo instant messenger while he was in Baghdad, and I was at home, dating) Josh was on the other side of the world, and I survived that six months, not because I wanted to, but because I had to. And to tell you the truth, I didn't feel sorry for myself. Why? Because I had made the decision to be with him, knowing that 4 days after we started dating, he was going back to a place where living tomorrow is never your right, or a promise, but a gift, and a privilege. So what has changed in almost two years, that when he leaves for two days, I get sad?

Josh means more to me everyday, but he meant so much to me when we started dating. We had decided after the first few days together that we would get married. And here we are, two days from now we will be married for three months. Three months, wow I know. But we've been living together, for almost a year now...

So, I have the highest respect for Army wives who watch there husband leave, not only just for one duration of 15 months, but some times two, three or even more. I have the deepest respect for the soldiers, but don't forget about their wives, husbands, and families when you pray for the troops. There are families, and spouses at home fighting their own wars, of lonliness, and anxiety. These families don't survive, and live this life because they are excited to, and because they can think of nothing better, but because they have to. We can't help who we fall in love with.:) Sometime life takes turns that we never thought it would. These wives, husbands, and families are the some of the strongest I have ever met.

I've realized how petty I am in my worries about Josh, but I am a worrier by nature, how did I survive the 8 or so months apart? All I can come up with is, I did it because I had to.

So, to all my friends who will be missing their husbands soon I'm praying for you. You are the most wonderful women I have ever met, and the strongest. I love you all.

Have a Blessed Friday!


Thursday, February 21, 2008

Days Like These...

There are days... Oh there are days when I just want to scream and pull my hair out. Today, and yesterday were days like that. I started off yesterday great. I felt productive in the fact that I had figured out how to do something myself, something that was simple, but something I had no clue to do. I felt like a genius yesterday. Then I got to work....

Don't get me wrong, I like my job, but some days I seriously just want to run and hide. I walked in at the daycare, and I was ambushed by arguing children, yelling across the snack table at eachother as if they couldn't be heard with "indoor voices." Working at a daycare for the passed four and a half years has really given me an advantage when I have children of my own. Yes, I know that having a child is different. But at the same time having a child is having 1 child, and taking care of one child. Add 14 more children to that, and that's my average day. Props to mothers, it's the hardest job out there.

I left work yesterday, and just let the aggravation go, but today, when I left at three o'clock (yes I get to go home) sorry mom's you don't on the days that you want to, I just couldn't let it go. I listened to fighting and screaming and yelling and running, and more yelling, fighting and screaming throughout the morning and into the afternoon. I feel like a broken record. I'm sure the kids think that their names are "no, don't do that." Kids are going to start introducing themselves as, "My name is No, SARAH, or Don't run in the house, Sarah." I feel so bad sometimes that I'm always telling them the same things.

Then, I got home to make dinner, and my beautiful husband had told me what he wanted for dinner tonight, but failed to remind me this morning before he left for work at 7. Yes, it's my fault that I didn't leave things out to thaw, but it'd be nice to have someone help with those "little things" I had work this morning too. So dinner can't be made, and now I'm too mad to make dinner tonight. El Rancho (our hometown mexican restaurant) here we come! Yet again.

Most people who know me, know I am not a cook. It runs in the family. My mother doesn't cook dinner. I don't remember the last time she made a real dinner. Everything consisted of a meal from a box. Usually noodles and some sort of powdery substance. Don't get me wrong, my mother is a wonderful mother, and does so many other things well. She cooks a mean Thanksgiving feast, but can't make an interesting dinner for the life of her. I blame my mother for my cooking "disabilities" and my mom blames her mom for her lack of interest and skill. My grandma hated to cook. So, El Rancho again tonight. I should have them come to my house and just cook for us every night.

Back to work though. There are days like today, but then there are days when I know why I work for kids. Yesterday one of the little boys, who is so so smart was playing with one of those old computers with the numerous games on them. You know the ones that came out when we were just little. He was doing the typing part. He typed his name on the computer. Mind you, he is 4. I told him to type my name in, and he did, but it didn't have my name, "Alyssa" in the computers "dictionary", so he sat down and proceeded to type various words. Minutes later he stands up from his seat and says, "Alyssa, I spelled POOP, but it's not in the computer!" The shock on his face, and the statement made my day.

It's things like those that make days like these worth while. If you have kids you know how matter- of-fact and honest childrens mind's can be.

I hope you had a wonderful Thursday. Tomorrow is Friday! Thank the lord for the weekend.

God Bless!


Excited, but nervous!

So, Saturday is my second newborn photoshoot. I always get so excited, but then I get really nervous. I've got some pretty cool ideas for this shoot. Hopefully everything works out well. I wish the weather would hold up, so I can get some sunlight through those windows. It's nice today though, I'm sure it's freezing outside! I'm glad I have lots to do this weekend, Josh is going to be gone... His first trip away after getting married:( Oh well, I guess. I hope you all are having a wonderful week. Remember, leave a comment and tell me something about yourself. I would love to hear from you!

Have a wonderful day,


Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Conversation Hearts and Tom Petty

I spent alot of time thinking on our way to and back from Boise this weekend. I usually do alot of my thinking during the silence of car rides, and while there wasn't alot of quiet time while Josh and I were traveling there were those snipets of time that I had to reminisce about various things in my life.

There are certain things that I do that hold such nostalgia for me. Traveling with Josh is something I love, I have mentioned that before. But going on drives is probably my favorite way to travel. Yes, it takes a long time, but there were so many memories held in the car on our way to adventures undiscovered when I was a kid. Now, most of these times in the car were arguments with my brother, drawing an "invisible line." Everyone knows about the "You can't cross this line I drew on the seat, or I'll scream," statement. I think it is mandatory to make your parents go crazy on your way to and from vacation. I absolutely hated drives when I was a kid, and I know Kyle did to. There was never anything to do. Coloring was always huge entertainment, but that got old after awhile too.

So I don't know what makes me like these drives so much. Was it the actual even, or is it the nostalgia of having those times with my mom, and especially my dad. I hold onto these fragmented memories even tighter because my dad is not here anymore. There are certain songs too, that bring me back to my childhood, and those completely innocent days filled with toys and fun. The first song I learned all the way through was "I won't back down" by Tom Petty... I was three. Apparently, my babysitter didn't screen what I was watching, she didn't really care. Songs like this are the songs that I associate with my dad. Tom Petty, Aerosmith, Van Halen, Direstraits, and Brooks and Dunn were just a few that we had cranked up to the max. And some songs I have a hard time listening to. They remind me so much of my dad, and I don't think I'm ready to listen to them without crying yet. "Free Fallin'" is one of them. Don't ask me why these memories bring so many feelings back. When I figure them out, I might let you know.

There are also things that bring back some sort of feeling of childhood, while these things don't recall any certain memory, they do bring back that sweet memory of being easily excited in the days that held so much promise. I packed Conversation Hearts in our snack cooler for our drive to Boise. Most people that know me know that I'm not a huge fan of Valentines Day. I don't hate it, but I don't really like it either. I do buy valentines for the kids at work, and occasionally I take part in buying a few different types of candy. Conversations hearts are my favorite. I LOVE the white ones, and the pink ones. The yellow are good too, but yes, I leave the orange, green and purple in the bag for anyone that will eat them, but don't touch my white and pink. This obsession is beyond me.

So, I sometimes wonder what I would be doing without these certain memories, and who I would be. I think it is such a beautiful thing that we have these memories to hold onto through our childhood and into adult years. In a world where things do ever go exactly how we planned we have these happy memories. I am so thankful for these memories, and can't wait until I can share times like these with my family and some day my children.

God Bless


Monday, February 18, 2008

Apartment Hunting....

Home at last!

Well, we've been home since yesterday afternoon, but I was too exhausted to sit at the computer to do any sort of writing at all. To tell you the truth I'm too exhausted now. But, I'm not feeling well, so I thought I would sit awhile and write. Josh and I spent 20 hours in the car this weekend. 10 going to Idaho, and 10 coming back. Thankfully, we had a couple days in between there, so we didn't have to drive down and then back the next day.

Anyway, I can't say that apartment hunting in Boise went well, it didn't go terribly either, just sort of down the middle of the road I guess. We found a couple apartments, one that I really hope we move into, it's really nice, and spacious. This apartment complex is right downtown, wherever down town is because Boise is so spread out, but it's also right next to everything. Right down the road is a Target. Sad, I know. We went hunting for one apartment complex that claimed it is 15 minutes from the school... Josh and drove around for at LEAST half an hour. We had to go through this huge business district which has to be CRAZY in the mornings, so we decided not to get out, and just pass up on that apartment. The only great thing was, it was down the road from Urban Outfitters. I would be scowering that place every day if I lived down there. I don't have enough money to buy anything there, but I can wander the store and dream, can't I?

I'm ready to move... I think. I've decided that I like Boise, but there is no one there for me. Josh is there for me, but sometimes I need other people I know. While we were driving through Boise looking for apartments Josh and I talked a little bit about life thus far. I think I will have a harder time moving over to Boise than I did moving over to Germany. It seemed like there was so much for me over there. So many more interesting things to see, it was something I have been wanting to do forever, and Josh had already laid the ground work for friends. He had told certain people about me, set up the friendships, and all I had to do was walk through the door. I love all the people I met over there, and some of them turned out to be amazing friends whom I love very much.

I think I'm a generally friendly person, but I have a hard time just making friends out of nowhere. I like to talk to people I don't know, but I don't really build friendships with people I meet at the grocery store. Maybe I should try doing that when I'm over there.

The drive to and from Boise was alot better this time. Shorter it seemed, I love car rides. Josh and I had fun, but I think I was on the verge of jumping out the car window somewhere between Pendelton and Portland. Josh was driving me crazy. It all worked out though, and we still love eachother though:) I'm glad. Now it's waiting around time, another thing we tend to do so often around here. And by the end of next week, we will be up at the lake again because we'll be kicked out of here. Have I mentioned I'm tired of moving back and forth? I probably have. I won't bore you with complaints! Well, I don't really have anything else to talk about. I hope you all have a wonderful day!

God Bless


Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Sunshine and Travels

I decided to write a little bit this morning/ afternoon. I have a couple hours before work so I thought I would entertain myself, and pass the time. It's like killing two birds with one stone, I guess. Or maybe not.

I went back to bed this morning after Josh left for work, like I do every morning, but today, I couldn't really fall asleep. For the first time in what seems like decades the sun was pouring in between the blinds in all it's bright golden glory.

I am a huge fan of dreery days, days where rain comes down in sheets, and there's absolutely nothing you can do, but run from your car to work, and back from work to your car. To have to race inside at home all over again. I love coats, I love hats. Maybe it's just the clothes that I like? I don't know, but those days of gray are beautiful and mystical days too. They hold so much promise for dancing in the rain and stomping in puddles. I love that icy cold feel of winter air in my lungs, and I am filled with the excitment of a child when I see snow falling at night. I love late fall and winter, they are my favorite seasons of the year.

But today, there is no rain, and there is no snow. Today there is sunshine! And I love that too! On days like today I find I'm excited, invigorated (sp) almost to go outside and play. So why am I inside writing? Beats me, I felt the need to write, and look at creative things. It's what I do. I have so many ideas, but I am a person plagued with no knowledge of how to do any of them. Any helpers? I think probably one person reads this blog. Thank you Danae. :) I love you!

So, on a different note, Josh and I are heading to Idaho tomorrow, Boise/Meridian. We are on our way to look for apartments. I'm excited because I kind of need a break from work, although it seems like I've had alot in the passed year, but I work with 15 kids on an average day. You'd need a break too. Anyweay, I'm excited, but terrified. I don't really like doing that kind of stuff and Josh definitely doesn't like to do that kind of stuff. So who gets stuck talking to people we've never met? ME!

I absolutely love traveling with Josh. My mom always told me that a real test of a relationship is when you can go on vacation together without killing eachother. It's true, but I haven't had any fiasco vacationing with Josh, so I don't know how terrible it can be.

We did have our honeymoon in Maui, and it rained 8 days out of 10, but we did a pretty good job. We were without electricity, without anything to do, and stuck in the condo because of the worst flood they've had in 25 years. Go figure! I think it's a Toyra family thing. But, my cousin went a week after I got back to the big island, and everything was perfect. GO FIGURE. Grandma and Grandpa said we can have a redo next summer if we want. It would probably rain then too. I think the only reason we had a little bit of a hard time those last two days is because Josh and I love to do things. We love to do things, but we do things on our own time. We missed some things in Paris last year, but Josh had mapped out a different way to get somewhere everyday, and a different way back. So we walked everywhere and saw things we never would have seen had we not just done our own thing rather than doing a tour.

So, needless to say, I'm excited to get up in the morning and take the 10 hour drive down to Boise. While my back end doesn't like it. I love the view I love the company, and I love the adventures. Just think, in two months we will have our very first own place! Not anyone elses, OURS ! I love the idea of having a place that's just ours. We've been nomads for so long. But I'm going to consider us nomads until we are somewhere for more than just a few months.

Hopefully this weekend goes great. Wish us luck!

Have a beautiful Wednesday! Happy Valentines Day tomorrow!


Tuesday, February 12, 2008

What Makes You Come Alive?

From the days of absolutely no greater worry than, "What toy should I play with," to the days of reflection on how quickly time passes in its undeniably fleeting way, we as humans are tyring to find out who we are and what we want to become.

It amazes me that we start deciding at such an innocent age, and such an innocent state of mind. Childhood dreams are blooming. We are told that we can do absolutely anything we want, and we believe this whole heartedly. We dream of being things such as astronauts, and ballerinas, pirates and princesses and the more spectacular the idea, the better. While some of these dreams are unrealistic, some are not. I remember wanting to be a gospel singer. I still sing to this day, but I sing at church, not on a stage in front of thousands. I never had the desire to be a firefighter, I could get hurt, and there was no way I would be a ballerina, too much pink frills. I decided I wanted to be an artist in elementry school and to this very day I still want to be an artist. I am a photographer now, but if I could find a way to get paid alot of money to color in a coloring book I might consider being a professional coloring book person (does that even exist)?

As we get older our minds change: sometimes due to a loss of interest or because something far more exciting has come our way. I sometimes wonder where those spectacular dreams of sucess and excitement go. Are they simply forgotten or have we just pushed them so far back into our minds they seem unretrievable by the current adult selves that we have come to be? At what point in our lives do we stop believing in these dreams and abandon them for something that is more acceptable? I sometimes wonder how many of us end up not doing the things we have always wanted to do.

I think we are a nation and a world where success is measured by the size of our income, the size of our house, and our outward appearance. Is that how it is supposed to be? I don't think so, I would hope not. We are all guilty of thinking this way. I am. All of these things are nice, but we often find ourselves searching for happiness. We look continuously, but usually in the wrong places.

So many of us want to follow our dreams but sometimes we stop short because either someone, society, or even worse, we've told ourselves we can't. Why can't we?

I think there is something in all of us that needs an outlet. A time to do that something that we love, that something that makes us happy. I have to do something creative everyday. Even if the creative thing is only a small thing, I need this creative outlet or I don't feel like myself. I feel in someway that I am failing myself, and my needs. I wish we all had time to do the things that we really want to do, I think it is so important.

I read a quote once, probably one of my most favorite quotes I've ever come across. It inspires me when I look at it. I keep it on the refrigerator at home, and I sometimes carry it with me. Seeing it gives me the confidence to do what makes me happy and gives me the confidence to do what makes my heart come alive. "Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

I don't know what Harold Thurman Whitman was thinking about when he said this, and I don't think he knew he would inspire people with that one thought, but he has inspired me. I hope it inspires you to do what you love. Just imagine how much more fulfilling life would be if we could all take the time to do the things we love, and took the time to do the things that make us come alive.

So, among the many other goals that I have for myself this year I'm going to really try for this one. To ask myself not what the world needs, but what I need. What things make me happy? But at the same time what kind of gifts can I give back to the ones I love, and what gifts can I give to the world? I need to ask what makes me come alive? What makes you come alive?

God Bless!


Friday, February 8, 2008

Soul Friends

I am a lover of quotes, reading what other people have to say about life, and the people in it have always fascinated me. But what does loving quotes have to do with friendship? Nothing really, other than the fact that there seems to be a never ending list of quotes on friendship. Isn't that nice? In a world where everyone is different, or at least striving to make themselves different, we all need the same things to feel like a whole person.

I found it interesting in my sociology class two years ago to find out that while my personality and beliefs are different from someone in a different continent, I still need friendship, I still need to feel socially excepted. God created us all to be different, but we all need the necessities.

In the twenty years I have been blessed to be on this planet, I have created many sweet friendships. Some have come, and some have gone, but all have made me the person that I am today. I have a few friends that I thought I would never have built friendships with, and I've lost some friends I never thought I would lose. Was it me? Or was it them? Does it matter anymore? I don't think so. We all grow, but it takes growing up, but growing together to keep a friendship strong.

Alot of people say that friendships should be easy, and a part of me agrees with this statement, but another part of me disagrees as well. While friendships either click, and you have an instant chemistry with someone, to keep a friendship, and to keep a good one takes work. I am the first person to say that I have to work on my friendships, and I've sat down more than a couple times to reflect on my friendships and what I have done, and what I have not done. Most of the time I feel like a terrible friend.

I believe there are different types of friends. Friends that are aquaintances, friends that are close, and friends that are soul friends. I love all types of friends, but these soul friends are the ones that have changed my life the most. They make my heart happy just by seeing them, or getting a nice message at the end of a really bad day. They make me a better person. These people in my life are a small handful, and I don't think that there should be more than a handful. I think these people are the most beautiful, and most captivating in the world. Each of them brings something different to my life.

When Josh and I were doing our pre-marriage counseling (something that was required to get married), we were told to write down a list of reasons why we wanted to marry the other person. I loved my answers, and in our next meeting I was so excited to read them to Josh. Our pastor liked them, but told us both to come back the next week and write down things that we ourselves could give to the relationship, not just what we were getting from the other person.

I believe that having a friendship is at the core similar to having a marriage. That basic prinicpal. There is giving and there is receiving. While I get things from having a friendship, I should be more concerned with what I am giving. Have I thought about it that way before? Yes, but have I acted on it? I don't know. My friends have made a huge impact on my life, but have I made a significant impact in theirs? If not, what can I do to touch their hearts the way they have touched me? My goal this year: find something that I bring to my friendships, and strive to make them a happier person.

My favorite friendship quote: "In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."

~Albert Schweitzer

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Keeping My Sanity

So I'm sitting here yet again at this computer doing the same thing that I do everyday. Look at blogs, and brainstorm, and dream up ideas for my photography. I think I've come to a lull in my life, something that drives me crazy because I'm the type of person that needs to be constantly doing something to feel productive.

But like I said, here I sit again. I think about things alot while I'm sitting at this computer, I think alot wherever I am. It's one of my curses I guess, I overthink everthing. Josh leaves every morning at seven, and from seven until two o'clock I am left to my own thoughts, and my own vices. My mind runs rampant with thoughts, and ideas, but sometimes it runs rampant with negative thoughts about myself, and sometimes I overwhelm myself in my own negativity. One negative thought leads to another, and I'm feeling like I'm not good at anything I do.

Have you ever felt like that, or am I the only person. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in the world that makes myself feel bad when no one else has said a word. Apparently, I'm my own worst critic, and my own worst enemy. Isn't that the way the world works? We are usually so much harder on ourselves than anyone else has ever been. There is a part of me that likes it though, for some odd reason. It keeps me going. Right now I'm stuck in a rut, but soon, I know
I will be out of it, and I will be just as cheery, and confident in myself as I was a few months ago.

Having the need to keep busy at all times is also one of my curses. Not being able to relax and enjoy downtime was a trait of my father's and I have so obviously inherited it. When did I become this person that needs to be constantly productive, and if I'm not at work making money I feel like I'm letting down my husband, my family, and myself? Josh has never made me feel that way, but like I said, I do it to myself.

The only thing that is keeping my sanity in check is that I go to work everyday in the afternoon. Not enough time at work for my tastes, but with my job, and 8 other people working such a small area, it's impossible to have me work anymore hours than I am. I understand that. In all reality though, my job also does a great job at driving me crazy. I work for 23 different children. On an average day we have more than 12. I absolutely love kids, but I've been working there for almost 5 years now, and it is soon time for something different! I'm way overdue for a new adventure, although I'm living a new adventure right now.

Yes, marriage is an adventure alright. I've only been married to Josh for two and a half months, and it seems like an eternity. Just kidding, I do really like being married. Josh is such an amazing person. I love being a wife, but I don't think I am one of those wives that will get total fulfillment out of staying home and keeping up the house. I give every women that can do that the highest praise because it is the hardest and sometimes the most thankless job in the world, but at times, just being able to be home and be with your kids and to watch them grow up is more than enough.

Josh and I aren't having kids for a good while yet, and while it seems like everyone and their cousin is carting around a little one, and I swoon over every one of them, I don't want a baby right now. A part of me does, but at the same time I know I need the freedom of just me and Josh together. Does that seem selfish? Having children is such a selfless job. Is there any absolutely perfect time to have a baby? No. I'm just going to have to have the best time spoiling my friend Danae's little girl when she's born, eventhough I will have to do it from another country.

Anyway, enough of baby, and onto life as a nomad. Oh the excitment, freedom, and angst at the same time. There is a part of me that loves not being tied down to any one definite place, but I think that the mystery and excitment disappeared when I went from being a nomad in Europe to being a nomad in Montesano. The culture is lacking here, where as I could have lived on spaghetti and meatsauce, and love in Italy for the rest of my life. I truly love my country, but my heart is really in Europe. It's just me. Josh tells me that I have to learn italian, and then we can go back. Yea, when I'm 50. :( I was inspired there, in a way that I have never been before, and I'm scared that I will never find that inspiration again. Why was a different country, and a different way of life my inspiration to love more, to enjoy life more, and gave me the strength to follow my passion? Have I lost that coming home? If so, why? and can I return to state of mind without leaving again?
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