Feeling Like I Belong

I noticed that it has been awhile since my last post. Words have escaped me these past few days, and time has escaped as well. Who would have ever thought that Alyssa would be at a loss for something to talk about? Even today, as I sit here, I am wondering if I have a subject long enough to talk about. I've come to realize, I guess I came to realize right away that very few people read my blog. I could name one person that keeps updated, I couldn't tell you anyone else that reads my blog every once in awhile, let alone stays frequently update. My mother peeks over my shoulder sporadically and pretends like she's not looking, but I know she's secretly eyeing the computer screen for a look at the something that I am writing down. She then goes and looks when she's at work, she should be working, but she's checking up on what's going on with me. She won't read this today, but tomorrow probably, I'm only telling you all of this because right now, she's probably gawking at the computer that I know her so well. I pay attention to the habits of the people I know, the people I know and are close to, I know quite well. I'm an observer, I guess.

Anyway, back on the subject. I came to realize yes, that very few people look at my page; I'm probably the one that looks at it the most. Keeping it updated, and seeing if anyone has any thoughts to throw back at me, alas, no one has, and a little part of me is disappointed that people don't have any thoughts on what I say. You can agree or disagree, read and give your opinion! I've also found that writing is very good therapy for me. I can remember a time when I couldn't write down an interesting sentence to save my life. I owe the flow of thoughts, even though; they may be fragmented, to my 6th grade teacher Mrs. Bales. She helped me in more ways than she will ever know. There is something freeing about writing. Something that is put out there, a flag that says this is me, read my private thoughts, and take them to heart. You might be thinking the same thing, you might not, but deep down inside you have something that has sparked inside you and you want to write too. Answer that call within yourself, and write. Write about anything you feel passionate about.

I'm sorry; I'm writing a post about writing, that's no fun. But what I have to say will probably only pertain to a small group of people, maybe the whole message if you dig deep will pertain to you as well.Yesterday marked the day a year ago I landed in Germany. I had just survived 11 hours of flight. The first 9 hours to Copenhagen, and another 2 to Frankfurt. I had been terrified I would miss my plane, I didn't and when I landed in Germany I was relieved that my SECOND plane trip had been one I had taken alone. Oh the joy I felt when I saw Josh looking for me down in luggage claim at the Frankfurt airport, an airport that within the next few months I would learn to know fairly well. I was free, well in the confines of Baumholder's army base, but there was still something freeing about being on my own, alone with Josh. It was something I needed very much, Thank you mom for letting me go. I've talked about my time in Europe before and how much I miss it, but a year has passed and I can't believe time has gone so fast.

When I left Germany I took with me so many memories, but a piece of me was left there, I had been to the places I have wanted to see for so long. But with the pride and happiness of achieving one of my dreams, something ached inside me, and to this day, I think there is a piece of me missing. I am so thankful for seeing the places that I saw, creating the memories that I made with Josh, and making friendships with people I wouldn't have otherwise. I am so thankful for everything that happened in those 3 months. I should be completely satisfied right? I can't get it out of my head though, that I should still be wandering the streets of Paris. I know that a tourist’s view of a foreign country is more beautiful than that of people who are actually living there, but I truly think I would like it. I want; no I need to go back. What I need to do is learn another language, so I have some sort of communication with people.

It was a time of new experiences, learning, and happiness. I found out more about myself in those 3 months, than I think I had in the first 19 years of my life. I allowed myself to feel, love and experience life with arms and heart wide open. Something I had never done. I found out who I was, and how I wanted to live. I was passionate about life, and I found a renewed love of life. I found that I want to be a person surrounded by people who mean the world to me. I want a beautiful life, one with trials and triumphs, one with sadness and happiness. Happiness is not truly felt until we have felt true sadness. I felt totally at peace with myself, and who I had become, I found what I needed and what I wanted.

For once, I felt a calm come over me, one I had never felt before, and wonder if I will ever feel again. Did I learn all of that in Europe, or did I know it all along. I think it just opened my eyes to things I already knew, but what better place to find who you are and what you want than on the streets of Paris? I felt like I finally found where I belong, and I finally found where I feel at home. I think we all need to find a place where we feel truly happy and truly at home. I found it, hopefully I will have the chance to return to it. I’ve felt completely at home, have you?

Have a Blessed Monday. Happy St. Patricks Day!

Love,

Alyssa