Celebration of life

Today my dad would be 50, such a huge milestone that most people dread, but it was something that we as a family would have celebrated as such an accomplishment. Most everyone knows that today we won’t celebrate my dad’s birthday with him, but we will celebrate alone in our own separate ways with smiles and with tears at a life that has ended, but in celebration of a life well lived.

I’ve been missing my dad a lot lately. I’ve missed him since he left, and I’ve always thought about him everyday, but as of recently I miss him more than usual, it must be because I knew today was coming, and I know that father’s day is trailing not far behind. Some days my heart hurts so much with missing him that I think my heart will break into pieces. Some days it feels like I have something sitting on my chest, something impossible to remove. Some days no matter how hard I try that pain in my chest, that invisible golf ball rises to my throat, and I just have to cry. The harder I try stop the tears from falling, the more they do.
And then there are days where my heart is so happy and proud at the memory of my father, I feel it will burst with joy. I know that my grief is not shared by my father, he is so much better now where he is, and my restless soul is comforted and I can find some peace knowing that while I try to learn how to survive in a world where my dad doesn’t. He isn’t suffering anymore, and I thank God for that everyday. I talk to God and my dad a lot. I probably talk to my dad more now, than I did when he was alive. And as sad as that is, it’s true.

I hold my dad up so much higher now. And as I have gotten older the bitterness that I had against my father, and the anger at his illness, has turned into wonder and amazement at a man who had such a beautiful soul, and such a determination to live.

I was watching the news with Josh the other day, one of the news anchors for the morning show “Today” was being interviewed about her father’s death in April. The news anchor that announced the peace said that it would be a hard story to watch, and it was. This man was so vibrant, and although he surpassed my dad in years of life, my heart broke for not only his family at the loss of such a person, but for him as well. There were so many pictures of him shown, beautiful pictures that captured what kind of person he was, and I thought to myself, “I wish we had those kind of pictures of my dad.” I wish that back as a child, and even as a younger teenager I had, had the fire for photography, the passion and the love for it that I have for it now. To pull out that rough, but gentle person behind his illness. A laugh I loved, a voice I loved that was lost five years before he died. Some times when I miss my dad the most I play old home videos of when I was little and just listen to that scratchy, strong but gentle voice, that voice I searched for at night when I went to crawl into my dad’s side of the bed because my mom wouldn’t let me. There are times when I think I hear his voice, and I take a minute to remember him as I go about my day.

I miss him for the things that we used to do together, and I miss him for the things that we won’t get the chance to do. When he died birthday parties, vacations to Oregon, and laughter when with him. His time getting to know who I am as a person now, who Kyle is and who we will be went with him. He will not here the pitter patter of little grandchildren feet, their laughter or their tears. I will not get to experience the pride of having my dad hold my future children.
I learned so much in my 19 years of knowing him. I learned so much more after he got sick, and after I realized what an illness like Parkinson’s could do to a person. What I have learned in his illness and in his death are things I probably wouldn’t hold to my heart as strongly as I do now. I have learned more about life, about myself and about others in 21 years than some will learn in their life time. I am so thankful to my father for his wisdom, and love.

By the time my dad was 24 years old his life was half over. That is a fact that sticks out in my mind. He always told my mom that he felt he wouldn’t live to be old, and he was right. I sometimes wonder if somehow he knew something we didn’t. He wasn’t a reckless person, although sometimes I thought he was. He worked hard, had a temper, but enjoyed being with his family. Something I didn’t see until I was much older. Life is much to short, and I think we need to live our lives drinking in all that we can of the people we are the closest too and we love the most. I can’t get enough of my family. We were such a close family to begin with and while we all pushed away in our own ways when my dad got really sick, we still held tight to each other.
So today I will celebrate my dad’s birthday with smiles, happy thoughts, and silent tears. Praying that I survive this world without him. Taking one day at a time, one breath at a time and enjoy the fact that although I miss him with all my heart, life will go on and we can be happy. I remember my dad today for the strong man and father he was, but know that in his own way he was one of the most gentle people in the world.

So today, and on father’s day, actually everday for those of you who have fathers hold them tight, tell them how much you love them, and thank God he is in your life. Because chances are, he loves you too. For those of you who have dads that are gone, my heart knows your pain. Love them anyway, and rejoice in a life that was lived.

Happy 50th Birthday Dad. I miss you and I will love you always and forever.

Me and Dad before Junior Prom

Words of encouragement (This sits on my night stand)

Have a beautiful day. Don't forget to love your dad's!