Keeping My Sanity

So I'm sitting here yet again at this computer doing the same thing that I do everyday. Look at blogs, and brainstorm, and dream up ideas for my photography. I think I've come to a lull in my life, something that drives me crazy because I'm the type of person that needs to be constantly doing something to feel productive.

But like I said, here I sit again. I think about things alot while I'm sitting at this computer, I think alot wherever I am. It's one of my curses I guess, I overthink everthing. Josh leaves every morning at seven, and from seven until two o'clock I am left to my own thoughts, and my own vices. My mind runs rampant with thoughts, and ideas, but sometimes it runs rampant with negative thoughts about myself, and sometimes I overwhelm myself in my own negativity. One negative thought leads to another, and I'm feeling like I'm not good at anything I do.

Have you ever felt like that, or am I the only person. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in the world that makes myself feel bad when no one else has said a word. Apparently, I'm my own worst critic, and my own worst enemy. Isn't that the way the world works? We are usually so much harder on ourselves than anyone else has ever been. There is a part of me that likes it though, for some odd reason. It keeps me going. Right now I'm stuck in a rut, but soon, I know
I will be out of it, and I will be just as cheery, and confident in myself as I was a few months ago.

Having the need to keep busy at all times is also one of my curses. Not being able to relax and enjoy downtime was a trait of my father's and I have so obviously inherited it. When did I become this person that needs to be constantly productive, and if I'm not at work making money I feel like I'm letting down my husband, my family, and myself? Josh has never made me feel that way, but like I said, I do it to myself.

The only thing that is keeping my sanity in check is that I go to work everyday in the afternoon. Not enough time at work for my tastes, but with my job, and 8 other people working such a small area, it's impossible to have me work anymore hours than I am. I understand that. In all reality though, my job also does a great job at driving me crazy. I work for 23 different children. On an average day we have more than 12. I absolutely love kids, but I've been working there for almost 5 years now, and it is soon time for something different! I'm way overdue for a new adventure, although I'm living a new adventure right now.

Yes, marriage is an adventure alright. I've only been married to Josh for two and a half months, and it seems like an eternity. Just kidding, I do really like being married. Josh is such an amazing person. I love being a wife, but I don't think I am one of those wives that will get total fulfillment out of staying home and keeping up the house. I give every women that can do that the highest praise because it is the hardest and sometimes the most thankless job in the world, but at times, just being able to be home and be with your kids and to watch them grow up is more than enough.

Josh and I aren't having kids for a good while yet, and while it seems like everyone and their cousin is carting around a little one, and I swoon over every one of them, I don't want a baby right now. A part of me does, but at the same time I know I need the freedom of just me and Josh together. Does that seem selfish? Having children is such a selfless job. Is there any absolutely perfect time to have a baby? No. I'm just going to have to have the best time spoiling my friend Danae's little girl when she's born, eventhough I will have to do it from another country.

Anyway, enough of baby, and onto life as a nomad. Oh the excitment, freedom, and angst at the same time. There is a part of me that loves not being tied down to any one definite place, but I think that the mystery and excitment disappeared when I went from being a nomad in Europe to being a nomad in Montesano. The culture is lacking here, where as I could have lived on spaghetti and meatsauce, and love in Italy for the rest of my life. I truly love my country, but my heart is really in Europe. It's just me. Josh tells me that I have to learn italian, and then we can go back. Yea, when I'm 50. :( I was inspired there, in a way that I have never been before, and I'm scared that I will never find that inspiration again. Why was a different country, and a different way of life my inspiration to love more, to enjoy life more, and gave me the strength to follow my passion? Have I lost that coming home? If so, why? and can I return to state of mind without leaving again?